Kosher Tofu

Kinders Rag Doll Giveaway!

2009-12-14T12:43:00.000-06:00

Check out this blog, they are giving away a really cute doll!

http://cpamomva.blogspot.com/2009/12/adorable-kinders-rag-dolls-are-new.html

omegle.com

2009-04-02T17:22:00.001-05:00

http://omegle.com

Chat with random strangers! This was my first, and certainly not my last time talking with perfect strangers. Thrilling, fascinating, random, unpredictable. How much time will I waste with this, and is it worth my time?

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hi
You: How are you doing?
Stranger: How are you doing?
You: I'm doing pretty well, had kind of a long day. You?
Stranger: I'm doing pretty well, had kind of a long day. You?
You: You are pretty much repeating everything I say, thats pretty strange, stranger.
Stranger: You are pretty much repeating everything I say, thats pretty strange, stranger.
You: I've said pretty a lot, now it doesn't look like a real word.
Stranger: ...
Stranger: yea
Stranger: stop saying pretty
You: I will, totally.
Stranger: excellent
You: tubular.
You: Nobody uses tubular anymore, very underused.
Stranger: what are you, a ninja turtle
You: teenage mutant. the best kind.
Stranger: there's other kinds?
You: yeah, like middle-aged artistic ninja turtles.
Stranger: you know that weird... shuddering grunt when you push out a solid turtlehead?
Stranger: i just heard it from the cubicle next to me
You: yeah, its basey, and feels good.
You: does it stink?
Stranger: he always smells
You: have you told him?
Stranger: hell no
Stranger: he'd rape me
You: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060916104321AAFeuQR
Stranger: so are you from the U S of A?
You: that link might help, it includes polite ways to tell him. He might refrain from raping you if you are extra polite.
You: I am!
You: does that make you think more or less of me. Circle one.
Stranger: no, i saw him rape a old lady in church because she didn't pass the tithe plate fast enough
Stranger: ok, i circled it
You: tubular.
Stranger: shit, now they moved
Stranger: hold on lemme circle it again
Stranger: dammit this isn't working
You: ok, why don't you just tell me which one?
Stranger: which one what?
You: which one you circled. otherwise, communication breaks down.
Stranger: don't sass me bitch
You: :(
Stranger: did I make you sad?
You: thats what the sad face was for.
Stranger: oh, i wasn't sure if it was a stingray or something
Stranger: they're faces always look like that
Stranger: guy or girl btw?
You: It seems like you know way more about me than I know about you, stranger.
Stranger: I do?
You: so far, you know that I am a TMNT and from the US.
You: I don't even know if you like Americans, or why I'm your bitch.
Stranger: oh very true
Stranger: you aren't my bitch and I am American myself
Stranger: I just throw the word bitch around because I like the sound
You: from where?
Stranger: north america
You: ahh, US is in North America. I remember that.
Stranger: oh good
Stranger: i was gonna copy and paste the wiki but east coast
You: which one of those states that are united are you from?
Stranger: massamachusetts
You: holy crap that looks like it was spelled wrong.
Stranger: it is
You: grab my pocket, bitch.
Stranger: what's in it?
You: they say that in prison, just sounds cool.
You: like I own you AND I get to say bitch.
Stranger: oooh, pocket probably mean rectum
You: probably.
Stranger: it's like a flesh pocket
Stranger: normal people put cigarettes in their pockets
Stranger: hense... grab my pocket bitch
Stranger: i like it
You: so, would you put cigarettes in your rectum?
Stranger: if i was in prison probably
You: they say people do a lot of odd things in prison.
Stranger: very true
Stranger: alright mr/ms stranger
Stranger: i have to go home because I have a hockey game soon
You: a Mass hockey game?
You: I'm a boy, seems pretty important question of yours.
Stranger: it's on a "dek" surface, just a small town league
You: have you knocked anyone's teeth out?
Stranger: i asked it once, how does that qualify it as more important than any of the other questions
Stranger: once or twice
Stranger: but they returned the favor
Stranger: peace out cubscout.
You: well twice, so it is the most important question you asked.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

It's raining bikes!

2008-10-07T20:56:00.005-05:00

Sleek new bicycle
A woody rack on the back
The rain is a fool

So I finally was able to get the bike rack I purchased attached to my beach cruiser. It looks amazing, I have to tell you. No wait, I can't tell you I have to show you. It's late but I'm going to go right out there and take a picture so you can see.

Awesome, no? As you can see the back rack is made of wood, giving it that old-school surfer look, which is HOT for Tennessee... like it's so hot it makes no sense. Almost as hot as having a Navy Base here. I would like to give a huge shout-out and thanks to the guys at Peddler Bike Shop on Highland, near The University. They answered my questions about the rack quickly and professionally and then GAVE me the parts I needed to get the rack attached to my bike. GAVE! I will be going back there for all my bike needs, and if you're close enough I would like you to as well ;D They are awesome!

I would also like to point out my new orange helmet, which matches pretty close to the color of the bike. Man I like orange. (New helmet? - Please see older posts regarding contaminated poison oak helmet strap extravaganza '08) I think it just adds to the hotness.

Now, with all these new improvements and additions, and adding the incredible addict-like urge I have to ride since I've been forced to stay off my bike for the past two weeks, I was EXTREMELY excited to ride today. I was psyched, stoked, and ready.

It is raining for the next three days.

WTF God, WTF.

LSD Cat

2008-10-01T22:17:00.007-05:00

Ball of fur in box
Government gives it the drugs
A feline freak out

I went to Psychology class tonight, which has become one of my favorite things to do recently. The teacher is great, as is the material, but what really makes it fun are all the great videos he brings in to class. I have had the opportunity to watch tricks being played on a guy who has had is left/right hemispheres of his brain separated, lab experiements with rats, monkey babies who bond with fake wire-mesh monkey-mothers, and latest and greatest...

... a cat on LSD. If you love cats, then please turn away. I can't be held accountable for your emotional destruction. The cat of course survives, he just gets freaked the fuck out. Enjoy!

PS: Please note the WPAFB tag at the start of the video. Air Force Base? Now that is taxpayer's money put to a use!

UPDATE: While viewing my own video, I found a link to something even better! SPIDERS ON DRUGS! Please enjoy.

Poison Oak

2008-09-29T23:23:00.004-05:00

Melting of the face
Terror, unanswered questions
Unfriendly itch-bush

I'm probably going to get the whole story all messed up, so if you want the truth minus the drug influence then go over to MotherHoodwink and read the real scoop.

If this mess doesn't get me posting again, then I don't know what else will.

-=-
WARNING: The following may contain descriptive language, but because I like you I am keeping all of the graphic pictures to myself.
-=-

I started feeling the effects on Tuesday, just a bit of itching around my chin. I remember going to town in my sleep, scratching it all up. Since it was a normal day of work I did my normal morning routine. I washed my face with cetaphil, shaved with some foamy shaving cream, and then used a splash of Old Spice to give me that "Fresh Pirate" feeling. Burned like a fuck! Looking back I'm retarded. If something burns your face that much and never really has before, then look into it. Seriously, give it some thought.

The day ran it's course with more itching and much more redness. It got so bad that I decided to go to Navy Medical to get things checked out. I figured it had something to do with my bicycle helmet (the itch and redness sat EXACTLY where my helmet's neck strap sits on my face), and sadly I could only think that someone, some sneaky someone, was out to get me and somehow managed to put some sort of itching powder in my helmet. Yes, I did leave the helmet unattended while I was in class for a few hours, but 1) Why the hell would anyone touch MY stuff? I'm not that important and 2) Itching powder? How 7th grade. What else could it have been? I haven't done anything new or anything.

The guys at medical told me that I was having an allergic reaction to my helmet strap. I've had the damn helmet for over 2 years, so that was pretty confusing to me. I asked the P-A who was helping me and he said that the strap could wear over time, causing me to have an allergic reaction to a lower layer of the strap. It's made of nylon and plastic! I asked him if maybe somebody put something on my helmet and he fed my fears by informing me that it was highly plausible. Again, who am I to be targeted by this random act of immature terrorism?

The P-A kindly gave me some prescription ointment and told me to keep using my Benadryl. I went home and started using the meds. At this time my face began to bloat. Not just swell, but bloat, like an old codfish. I looked like a skinny (well skinny-ish) freak in a fat suit. Lots of jokes, lots of fun by all, but seriously started to freak me out. It somehow seemed that every time I put the cream on, my face would burn more, bloat more, itch and pain more. I knew the cream was the culprit, or maybe it was the other cream that I used, or the Benadryl, or the benadryl itch stick that I tried... What was it!!!

I went back to the P-A the next day, who had an unforgettable facial expression when he saw me. It was like defeated confusion all wrapped up in doubtful fear of incompetence. He said he would get the head Doc to look at it as soon as possible. I got the pleasure of answering "Whatja do to your face?!" a whole lot, my new favorite question. The Doc looked at me and asked me all the right questions. He was a man of action, a man of answers. He poked and peered at my puss-drawn face, sliding his finger across my skin, nodding to himself. "Yes, I would call that dissecting cellulitis", "wait, possible... definitely possible dissecting cellulitis." Now to the benefit of all involved, I had already ruled out the obvious and correct diagnosis through the initial questions* that I had answered, and his diagnosis seems as plausible as any I had heard. What the fuck is dissecting cellulitis? I KNEW that it was like some microbe that was about to eat its way to my brain. These were my sad last days on earth. Overwhelming fear. The doc did the right thing, saved my life by sending me to the Hospital.

I checked into the ER that evening. Know what? I think I could have just gone to the ACTUAL hospital and checked in, seeing as nobody from the ER ever got the paperwork that was forwarded from the clinic. Next time? I'm skipping the ER with those medical papers in my hand, right into a comfy room with a sleep-able bed.

In the ER I was given lots of IVs and no answers. It seemed for the next 12 hours that everything was a guessing game, and the only way to guess was to inject my body with some cool new drug. My absolute favorite of the night was something a nurse gave me as she was asking me a few questions. Right as she pushed the hammer down on the seringe, all the hair stood up on my head and my taint exploded with a roaring flame. Shocking, I know. Crazy allergic reaction to some wonky drug and now I was going to have to deal with THIS?! Fuck. I very quietly asked the nurse if this drug might somehow make my scalp tingle. She looked up quickly and was like, "Oh!! I forgot to mention, this stuff has been known to make your hair tingle and in some patients, mainly female, make their bottoms burn. It only lasts for a second and nobody really knows why it happens." Fwew!, and Oh great my bottom reacts to this medicine like a female's bottom. I have chick-taint! How unmanly. "YES" I blurted out at the nurse, "I didn't know how to ask about the bottom-thing, but that's exactly it." "Kinda scary not knowing first."

Burning aside, whatever it was did the trick. I don't know if it was this stuff or the IV of Benadryl, but everything cooled off, stopped itching and seemed to mellow out. I remember this being the turning point where I knew that if anything else they can just keep pumping me full of taint-burn and I would eventually get better. I love modern medicine. At this point I began to relax and was able to enjoy THE DEBATE. I'm so glad I got to see that, GoBama! I also know that by the time the debate was over I was hungry. I hadn't eaten since my loving and worrying and praying and caring, and pretty wife dropped me off with a sammach. HUNGRY. I also knew that the docs wanted to admit me into the hospital for the night and have a Dermatologist see me in the morning. All fine news, nobody knows what actually happened to me yet, no food, comfy room, and dermy in the morning. I do remember getting a snack (turkey sammach, diet sprite and some pretzels). I squeezed out every little bit of mayo and mustard onto that damn sandwich, figuring that every calorie counted at that point. Sprite Zero? Disgusting! Drank every drop and ate ALL the ice. Oh, and I damn near choked on my pretzels. Well, maybe I'm not that dumb(W). Snack totally hit the spot and I was off to sleep. Sleep = contorting into a position that keeps your sticky puss-face off your pillow while keeping your right IV-arm straight and somehow gets you off your aching back (you've been on it for 12 hours).

Alright, the story is getting way out of control, so for the benefit of those who haven't quit reading I'll cut to the chase.

The Dermy took one look at my face and was like, "What have you gotten into? That's pretty bad poison oak." >CLICK< Poison Oak?! How?! I'm very fuzzy on the details, but it was my wife who remembered that we had just taken family photos on Sunday near some lightly wooded area. She hunted through the photos and sure enough, a giant fucking branch of poison oak was basically wrapped around my face. Now, we rode bikes/skateboard to the family-photo-op, so I naturally slapped my helmet on and rode home. I then used that helmet later the next day when I took the kids for a long bike-ride. Then again the next day when I rode to school for the first time (40~ min on the bike and in the helmet). All of which without having washed the fucker. All of which reapplying poison oak oils onto my neck. Suck.

A few fun facts:

- Once you wash poison oak oils off of your skin or clothes, you and your items are no longer contagious. The seeping puss pores are NOT contagious! Dermatologist was very specific about this. He says that once you've broken out, you can have random spots on your body break out as well, thus making one believe that they are re-infecting themselves. Interesting.

- The severity of an allergic reaction to poison ivy, poison oak, or sumac are all directly effected by your susceptibility (duh), the amount of poison that you come into contact with (duh), how often you come into contact (oh crap), and how long it stays on your skin (shit). Dermy also said that it didn't help that the neck strap was rubbing the stuff into my skin, digging it in deep.

- Staph infection + Incredibly stupid allergic overreaction to poison oak is like a slow dance with death.

- *When a medical dude asks you if you have been in the woods or done any lawn work recently. Stop and think. They don't ask questions because it's fun. Eliminating the right answer early on in diagnosis only leads to mass confusion and patient hysteria.

-=-

I would like to personally thank the incredible Nursing staff at Baptist Memorial Hospital, who once again have reaffirmed my desire to become a nurse, a true medical professional. They have all been a shining example of the power of professionalism and kindness. To the doctors who gave me all the great drugs and made me feel so much better. To the Dermatologist who was AWESOME and proves why dermatology is such a specialized and important field of study. Thank you all. Thanks to all my friends who gave me phone calls and texts, it was really really nice to have the support. And a very special, gold-plated thank you to my family. My wife who worried herself sick, quietly asking me as she sadly dropped me off at the hospital, "please don't die." and all-the-while keeping the babies from worrying about daddy's crazy boo-boo. Honey, I couldn't ask to have someone better than you at my side. If I didn't know any better, your sheer power of will turned the whole fiasco into nothing more than a case of poison oak. You rock, thank you. Thank you.

Respect

2008-06-30T18:34:00.002-05:00

our great Nation's song

sung with mediocre flair

takes away, not adds

I played on a job today where someone else sang the National Anthem. Normally I would heave a small sigh of relief, not because I don't want to play, but more because it gives me a chance to really listen, stepping away from the ceremony. Today the National Anthem was sung by two girls from the local town that we performed at. I have yet to hear a more lyrical, or more embellished piece of performed disrespect in my life. It got me thinking back to all of the different "versions" of the National Anthem that I have heard throughout my life. I have heard it in an R&B style, a gospel style, blues, rock, and country. Why? Have you ever heard the Canadian, British, Japanese, Spanish, or Chinese National Anthem sung with embellishments or creative interpretation? Maybe this is what our country is based on, but I say there is nothing wrong with honoring tradition and singing/playing our Anthem the way it was written, the way it was intended. British drinking song or no.

Tofu Tally #1

2008-06-02T20:58:00.002-05:00

think of pepper spray

straight in the face of a guy

and who would you choose?

I recently closed out my first "Tofu Tally", a small poll on the right-hand side of the blog. I'm stunned, amazed even, that everyone who voted, voted for our President. Those that voted, did you seriously picture the results in your mind, and could you possibly have more detest for the leader of the free world than for the most well known terrorist in modern times? Sadly, I expected at least one Mickey Mouse, but no. We can all rest soundly at night knowing that 100% of the people who voted wanted to see roast bush.

Thanks for the votes and expect more Tofu Tallies in the near future!!

F'd Up

2008-05-30T20:38:00.004-05:00

repeating parrot

mimics the sounds around him

re-vulgarity

Tara: Why do you have a Memorial Day gig for a retirement home on Thursday? Memorial Day was last week.

Me: They're senior citizens and don't know the difference.

Tara: Are you serious?! Shut the fuck up!

Gavin: Fuck up! Fuck up! Fuck up!

VegiPorn

2008-05-26T22:50:00.005-05:00

cucumber, onion

a definite work of art

like vegetable porn

So I was out shopping tonight and came across this. Why are people so immature?

Why am I so immature that I laughed for the rest of the shopping trip and right back to my car?

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T13:21:00.004-05:00

to all Veterans

ceremony, not enough

to make up for death

I played today at a Veteran's cemetery for a Memorial Day ceremony. I went in to this thinking it was just another day, just another gig. In fact, I even forgot to shave and had to do an emergency scrape in the men's bathroom, something I hate. I knew that there would be speeches, and from experience I knew that we would be outside, standing, in the hot sun. It's sad, but I admit that I was dreading the experience, and now that I think about it, I'm ashamed.

Once out there, we played a few patriotic tunes that were very well appreciated by the audience. It seemed nearly impossible to play in the hot humid atmosphere, the sweat getting in the way of even being able to hold my instrument. As we finished the National Anthem, a military fly-over swept over the audience. Perfect timing. The speakers had spoken about MIA/POWs and what the "missing man" formation means. All of things I knew but had forgotten. Then a woman came to the podium and was introduced as the local representative of the American Gold Star Mothers. This organization is for all mothers of fallen Veterans, all those mothers who gave up their son or daughter in the defense of our country.

I will never remember the words she said or the names of the men she spoke about, but I remember thinking about the mother of my own children, and how she would feel if she lost one of hers to war, to a violent death. It killed me standing there, hearing those stories and shamed me to think of the attitude I had going into the ceremony. I played the last song with everything I had, what little I had to give in honor of those whose mothers wished they could be there to hear. I imagined how little my personal struggle with the heat and humidity meant in comparison with the struggle of those young men and women, and the families they left behind. I don't consider myself a great patriot, and I may not always agree with war, but I can with all I have honor those that lost their lives fighting. To all of those who can't read my words, I thank you for your sacrifice and wish that you had never had to fight.

Thank you, to all Veterans.

Maine Lobster and Chowda

2008-05-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

eating fresh lobster

like rich people in a band

chowda was good, too

Only a few days ago, I was in Maine with the band. I have to say that it was a very fun trip, meeting all expectations. It's the opportunities like this that always make me satisfied with my decision to join the band. I'm in the process of trying to earn a nursing degree, and fortunately there will be travel opportunities involved with that career as well, though maybe not as frequent or interesting.

For a band in Memphis to travel to Maine, it was a unique opportunity. I know that I will have little to no chance of getting back up to that area of the United States so I chose to experience a few of the things that the area is known for, namely Maine Lobster and New England Clam Chowder (chowda).

I have to say that the dinner was great, I ate it all up plus some of my friends' appetizers. (Thanks Tones for the glass of wine that went perfect. The golf-dude's wine, I remember). The company was loud, but thats only because we were all so excited to be able to enjoy something so rare. Even so, I'm pretty used to loud, so I opted to go back to my room and chill rather than stay out and drink. I'm not much of a social drinker and wonder at times if the social drinking friends think I'm flipping my nose at their idea of fun. Hope they know that I think they're great fun, but would rather not go out drinking. Anyhow, I had gotten what I came for and know that they all had fun as well. Overall a great trip! If you're ever in New Brunswick and want lobster or chowda (get the seafood chowder!) then try Joshua's, it's yummy and fun.

Things that make me look bad #1

2008-05-25T11:17:00.001-05:00

Me: *Buuuuuuurp*

Wife (walking into burp): EEEUCK! Why does your burp smell like shit?!

Me (with a pause for thought): Oh... I farted and burped at the same time, sorry.

Wife: JESUS!! FUCK!

kooky?

2008-05-25T00:18:00.000-05:00

clarinet teacher

full of crazy ideas

make the emails stop

I recently took lessons to better myself on clarinet. Yes, I play clarinet. Yes, I care enough about the clarinet to pay a teacher to try and get me better at playing the clarinet. Dorky, I know. Shut up. Anyway, the teacher turned out to be a little kooky. He had helpful things to say, but sort of just said them out of order, like some crazy professor chatty-kathy doll. Every time I went into a lesson I didn't know how he would be, or how he would react to me. I tried being serious, funny, awkward, and confident, but none of those proved to get a good response out of him. I settled on apathy and went on with my life. (You have to know that most of the lesson involved learning the proper attitude I should have about music, not really how to play it).

So, having moved on, I get a tad annoyed with all of his emails that he sends to the clarinet students. Yes I know I could email him to remove me from his mailing list, but considering how difficult it was getting him to put me on, I would rather just read them and marvel at the kookyness. Here is a little taste of the last one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OQ5HrOwbTo&feature=related

I will give a hundred dollar bill to any student who gets this music to me,
WITH PARTS and complete SCORE ...ACCURATELY NOTATED, in a WEEK!!!!

When I first got this piece of spam I had two thoughts, first was "Hey, he isn't trying to get me to vote for Obama again, cool." and the next was that I might be able to do this and get a hundred bucks! It would be worth it to write out any piece of music for a quick benjamin.

THEN... I clicked the link. Go ahead if you haven't already, click it.

You know when you eat something really tasty and you say "mmm" to yourself without even thinking about it? I said "What the fuck" before I even knew I wanted to give a WTF.

The emails are like a car wreck. I want to avoid them but I can't help but stare.

Integration, Baby!

2008-05-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

the old becomes new

lots of stories, some unseen

go ahead and read

I have managed to pull all of my old posts out of my MySpace Blog and into this one. Please check them out, my favorite being the story about being sprayed in the face with pepper spray :D One of those things you can laugh at when its happening to somebody else. Enjoy.

Claps or Steaks

2008-05-18T00:24:00.000-05:00

the first of many

writing relaxes the soul

like many rain drops

I have been meaning to create a blog for a long time now and have met the challenge with mixed results ranging from procrastination to blogs that have been abandoned just after their creating. I feel pretty sad for these blogs-that-never-were and hope that this one goes on to live a long a fruitful life. My wife came up with a pretty neat name for the blog, so I'll go with it :D

Today was great, I mean really great. After spending the morning with my kids, I left for a gig in Marriana, AR. Oh wait, you didn't know that I am in a band. Well, now you do :D Anyhow, you have to know that the population of Marriana is like 50 and they were mostly all there to watch us. It kills me to work up a show and play my heart out to a crowd that sort of stands there with a blank look on their face. Next time you go to some kind of concert... clap. If not for the performer, then just for common decency. Non-clappers should all be shipped off to Antarctica where there isn't shit to clap for anyhow.

Well, funny story about the gig. One of the big-wigs in charge of the band was talking with one of the wigs who set up the show we were playing at, asking where the last place was we performed. He told her and mentioned that one of the bandsmen had eaten a whole lot while we were there. She asked him what he ate and he replied telling her that the venue had provided us with steaks. It was very true, they fed us steaks, good steaks. She sort of looked at him sadly and said, "All we have is sandwiches for you, maybe next time we'll have steaks!"

Either clap or give us steaks, we'll take either >:0

Oh My God It BURNS!!

2008-04-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

stinging of the eyes

brutal, everlasting pain

smashed sand in the eyes

I won the Darwin Award today.

At the base where I am stationed we have something lovingly referred to as "ASF" or "Auxiliary Security Force". This unique program allows all sorts of people to be trained as security guards for the base. Trained is the weakest and most polite word I can use to describe what happened to me today.

If you are wondering, the Darwin Award is given to those members of a population of living beings that fail to meet basic survival requirements, and through sheer acts of stupidity, manage to make themselves extinct (thus evolution. thus Darwin). I volunteered for this program, keep this in mind as I describe today's events.

It began with a written test, something I was completely unprepared for, taking only a courtesy glance at the study material ten minutes before it started. Whatever, it was all pretty much common sense. Don't shoot yourself with your gun. Maybe a jaywalker shouldn't be clubbed with your baton. Self Defense actually means defending yourself. I pass the test, no sweat. What do I win for completing such an arduous assignment?

** Phase 1 OC Spray Confidence Course ***

OOOooo Sounds exciting. Lets play. First a definition:

Pepper spray is a non-lethal chemical agent which is used in riot control and personal self-defense. The active ingredient in pepper spray is capsaicin, which is a chemical derived from cayenne, paprika, or chilies. Pepper spray is also known as OC spray (from "Oleoresin Capsicum") or OC gas. The excessive use of pepper spray has been linked to lasting injuries and fatalities. See also tear gas, chemical weapon.

The scoville rating for pepper spray can be as high as 5,300,000 for police grade and much lower for civilian grade.
We used police grade of course.

I stand three feet from a man I will forever remember and secretly resent. He asks, "Are you ready?" I reply with, "Yes", just as I notice the base photographer getting herself into a prime spot for the photo op. Her camera was the last thing I saw for the next forty minutes.

The spray came fast and strong, a surprise even though I knew I was ready. The bastard hit me with a stream across the eyes and then decided that he missed, giving me another burst straight in the middle of my face. I open my eyes and shout how many fingers the sprayer is holding up (a deceptively sinister part of this entire test, meant only to force you to open your damn eyes) then *> BAM <* my eyelids SLAM shut and remain uncontrollably closed in pure agonizing pain. I'm not saying that I couldn't open them because it just hurt too bad, my eyelids were as good as fuzed together, and impossibly they would not comply with my commands to open them. Opening my eyes would have been very helpful, as the next station had me "running" (more like prancing like a six-year old girl who thinks boogers are gross and just found one on the back of her hand) up to an "assailant" and putting him in a MACH 2 takedown (a stupidly intricate take down maneuver that requires complete cooperation from the bad guy for it to really work.) How did you see him? Impossible, your eyes at this point are useless. I used the sound of his voice and commands to get right up on him, grabbed what I hoped was his arm and carelessly slammed him into the ground, shouting "GET DOWN" like it was all HIS fault I was in this idiot of a predicament.

Station Two rewarded me with my weapon, Excalibur! This small foam baton is used as a training device to mimic a police baton. It was all I needed to enact my enraged revenge. This little stick of foam would be my key to freedom and my newest best friend. I use excalibur to beat the crap out of my next invisible enemy, still unable to open my eyes I used his screams as a compass, my map to my salvation. Are these the roots of police brutality?

I stumbled to Station Three and found myself completely at a loss as to what I should be doing. Nobody was shouting commands and I couldn't remember ANYTHING about what I was supposed to be doing, only the fire from my eyeballs remained in my mind. I stood there listening to the faint cheers and jeers from my friends waiting their turn, waiting for some sort of audible cue as to what I was supposed to be doing and where I was supposed to be doing it. Then it came, a tap from the back from an officer holding a practice pad. I laid into the sonvabitch like he had stole my lunch money. THEN. A tap from the front, they were trying to tag team my ass! Then I remember, front strike, rear jab. I became an animal, throwing everything I had against my two assailants. I soon heard the instruction to move on.

Station Four had me in front of our instructor, a retired Gunny. "High Block!" he yelled and I blindly threw up my baton just in time to meet the attack. "Low Block!" "Strong-side Block!" "Weak-side Block!" all of met with sightless precision. "Go!" he said and I painfully ran in a random direction.

"Wrong Way!" Ooops, I turned around and ran, managing to blink my eyes open just enough to see the man wearing the padded gear or "Red Man Suit" as it is called. He grabs my weapon, my only link to self defense. I rip it from his grasp with a stunning "Flying C" (Don't judge, I made up the name of that move, but I think it sounds better than "Make a C to disengage the attacker") I then beat the crap out of him with Excalibur, shouting "Get Down!" "Get Down!" The assailant gets on the ground and I sort of forget to stop hitting him. "Stop hitting him!" the instructor shouts, and I give him the rest of the commands, "Face away from my voice", "Put your hands out", "Palms up!", "Cross your legs!" "Bring your feet up to your butt". Problem is the pain was so great, all of this came out more like, "Get down! Face Away! Put your hands up! Palms! Cross your butt!!!!" I managed to scream "butt" the very loudest and in a moment of perplexing clarity found this strange and funny. The test was over. I won. I remember spending the next 35 minutes drowning myself on the end of a garden hose, doing everything I could to get my eyes to open. This will forever be the most painful thing I have had to endure, all for the sake of the spirit of volunteerism. What was that Navy stands for? Never Again Volunteer Yourself? Maybe I should at least proceed with caution before throwing my hand up in the air.

***Update: It's been over 12 hours since I got nuked and it still hurts like a sunburn and cutting onions***

Moral: If ever staring down the bottle of a small red canister, RUN. Don't think, just run.

***Update: I just posted the video of the encounter. Check it out!***

OC Spray

Magic 8-Bible

2008-02-09T01:30:00.000-06:00

an old crazy coot?

a mystical book of truth?

shake it and find out

My grandmother once told me that any question you had in life could be answered by the bible. At first I took this as metaphoric, knowing that people find hope and answers to life's many philosophical questions about faith and all-the-such. Her statement was fine enough for other people, and since I didn't really have those deep thoughts at the time, never really effected me.

Then, out of the blue, she told me mysteriously of how the bible works in ways we could never hope to figure out, and that if we really have a problem or question in our life, then we could just turn to the bible for answers. Fed up with her mysticism, I asked her to explain further. She did. Apparently you can flip randomly through a bible and find an appropriate answer to your question.

I find this fucking absurd.

NOTE, I do believe that the bible IS important and provides great stories and guidance for the faith-hungry part of us all, but to use it as a Magic 8-Ball in times of personal confusion? Ridiculous.

Here I would like to try it out, give it a true test of it's ability to answer my every question. I challenge you to do the same, it might just be fun. I will ask a random question and flip randomly through the bible and provide you with a random biblical answer. Please post YOUR finding :D

Question: I have a hard time waking up early to go work out. Please help me, oh bible, to find a way to work out more!

Ok... Moment of Truth...

Answer: AGAINST Moab thus saith the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel; Woe unto Nebo! for it is spoiled: Kirithaim is confounded and taken: Misgab is confounded and dismayed. - Jeremiah 48:1

Sorry, Grandma. I don't think it works like this. Unless by Moab the bible means obesity, and by Nebo the bible means laziness. Maybe Kirithaim means Gatoraid, and Misgab is more like my PT Coordinator...

Either I'm missing grandma's point or the metaphors are just too deep.

Post yours! :D

My First Album!

2008-02-01T17:43:00.000-06:00

a really cool trick

go and try it for yourself

you will be amazed

I know everyone wants to know what their first album cover will look like, Please follow these simple instructions I found on Kerry's Blog :D

STEP 1 The first article title is the name of your band.

STEP 2 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

STEP 3 The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

OK! Now here is my first album cover!

Uploaded with plasq's Skitch!

Here is Tara's first album cover!! :D

Uploaded with plasq's Skitch!

What is yours?

Tofu's Crazy Discovery #001

2008-01-12T15:22:00.000-06:00

not best idea

interesting thing to do

could I have been drunk?

Alright. Try this at home.

What you need:
1x mini Milky Way Midnight candy bar
1x Syfo brand Wild Cherry Sparkling Water

Eat the candy bar, drink some of the wild cherry sparkling water.

I KID YOU NOT. It will taste like Irish Cream. Doubt me? Try it.

F is for Fork

2007-09-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

a lost little bug

wild eyes of a hungry boy

tight grip on the fork

Yesterday, Gavin was running about the house with one of his little plastic forks in his fist. At first I didn't think very much of it, but out of the corner of my eye he seemed to be chasing something and it caught my attention. I got up to see what he was so intent about, with all the growling and grunting. I looked down and saw a tiny little black bug scurrying across the floor, GROSS!

With fork-in-fist, high above his head, he was grabbing at it with his left. As I finally reached him, I attempted to get the bug. At this point many things happened at once. The bug had disappeared, I turned over the toy it had crawled under to find nothing but carpet, and most disturbing:

Gavin says, "Uhmmm" while smacking his lips, fork still gripped in his tight little fist. You have to know that he can't say his Ys yet, and if he could, I would have heard, "YUMMM" instead.

All I can do is hope by some miracle of insect self-defense evolution little black bugs somehow gained the ability to teleport once held in the grip of a chubby little hand belonging to a hungry little one-year-old.

Dreams

2007-09-16T15:01:00.000-05:00

vivid dreams of man

never controlled with reason

imagination

I've recently committed myself to learning how to control my own dreams. This decision has recently become a priority in my life following two dreams that have made me question both the things I watch or eat before bed, as well as if there may be "something wrong upstairs" :D

The first is comedic and would have been disturbing if it wasn't for the fact that the subject is my closest friend (besides my wife of course), a true family friend. Also, since I am well grounded in my own heterosexuality, the dream only caused a minor disturbance. It seems that this friend attempted to "groom" his "under hair" and did so in a particularly pink triangular shape. I am not exploring the meaning of the dream, only that I need to be able to stop things like this. The friend went on to ask my wife and I if he did a good job, for which I replied that I thought it was a bit crooked, and not at all straight.

The second dream was not comedic, but rather dark and disturbing. I am unsure if it could potentially be a healthy realization within my subconscious, or just a whim created by stress and tension. It took place in the times of high-school when I still lived with my parents. I'm not sure if my wife was present in the dream, but she must have had at least partial involvement. My father and I had gotten into a heated argument, which wasn't normal when I was growing up. The only tension I have ever truly experienced with my parents involves the relationship between my wife and I during high school and throughout my life. Recently I have come to a pivotal point with the relationship between my father and I where he has lost his infallibility and exalted position in my life, and has now been reduced to avoidance and an indeterminate period suspended communication. (By the way, it's entirely his fault - he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut or how to treat people with respect, especially the people I love the most) Anyway...

We get into this fight, which heats up dramatically... I mean DRAMATICALLY. We started to fight, barehanded, matrix-style. I can't really describe to you how vicious this battle was, or how incredibly disturbing it was, only to say it resembled a very vivid piece of cinematography. At one point my father grabbed me by the torso and threw me into the ceiling, yes the ceiling. The wind knocked out of me, I slowly stood and made a point to flex my might. I started to hit him repeatedly, but he inexplicably stopped fighting and just stood there. I kept hitting him, blood everywhere, as he just stood, not fighting. Yes, disturbing. It was at this point that I somehow woke up, or at least refused to remember the rest upon waking.

Both of these dreams happened within a day of each other and has caused me to find some way of learning control. I have never been comfortable with the time wasted sleeping, and especially of the inability to control my own thoughts during this state of unconscious awareness. It is an extremely important goal of mine to learn the art of dream control, giving me the ability to stop what I don't like from happening as well as creating dreams of my own design.

Unfortunately, the first step of dream control is dream recall, remembering as many dreams as possible from the night before. I hope for my sake that I have seen the worst my imagination can throw at me.

Scratchythroatitis

2007-09-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

a crappy feeling

school's tonight / that really sucks

want to go to sleep

I'm getting sick. There it is, past the point of no return. I always tell myself that I have a fighting chance until I publicly announce "I am getting sick". I don't know if it's just the admission of weakness, or some sort of self-realizing manifestation of verbalized pessimism, but I'm tired of fighting and want nothing more than to lie in bed with a giant water-filled red thingy and a thermometer (yes yes, covers to chin). Having said what I wanted, this is what I got:

A night of cruddy homework, which lead to a small fit of restless sleep. *Bzzzz* 6AM - Groggy stumbles (due to a single dose of cold medicine from the night before) out of my bed to comfort the little boy I rudely woke up with my alarm, setting him up nicely with an eggo, orange juice (the whole brood has the SIK), and Blue's Clues while suffering from a mild case of "forgot-first-thing-to-do-in-the-morning-so-just-might-piss-myself".

Blah,Blah... something about starch, creases, shiny boots, and breakfast, then BAM! I'm pretty much late for work.

I don't really know what happens at work, as it seems that somebody has conveniently erased my memory everyday between the hours of 830 and 330ish. I don't know why, but I can never remember a thing about work.

After what must have been a long draining day, I got to work out. That was super great :/

Sweaty, tired, and generally feeling bad, I come home for about 20 minutes, take a shower and find myself sitting in my lecture class at the university. The next thing I remember is some slides about muscle tissue and feeling REALLY snoozy. I looked down at my notes and see all these lines through 'em from where I fell asleep and slid my pen across the paper. I'm probably going to have to study that chapter on my own :(

Well there you go, a day-in-the-life-of. I know you're jealous.

I'm going to bed. ;)

Janitor Hat

2007-02-09T21:21:00.001-06:00

wearing many hats
cleaning up all the toilets
the shitter is full

Every job you get you must wear many different kinds of hats, it's true. I would have to say that life in the service gives you the chance to wear the greatest number and variety of hats. My newest being that of the Janitor, that's right I'm being paid by the tax payers to clean toilets. "How the heck is that?" you might ask. It's simple, we have toilets and we dirty them up so they must be cleaned. Cleaning of said toilets is done by the lowest ranking, because that's how it should be and that is how it has been since the beginning of time. Did the Pharaoh build his own pyramids? Oh no. Although I am a tad busy with all the other hats I have to wear, I will still find time to flop on my janitor's cap, roll up my sleeves and make things a little less shitty...

For the next few months I know some shitters that will be clean enough to eat off of, and I also know some mighty hungry people.