Wife (walking into burp): EEEUCK! Why does your burp smell like shit?!
Me (with a pause for thought): Oh... I farted and burped at the same time, sorry.
Wife: JESUS!! FUCK!
Kosher Tofu refers to myself as basically being a Jewish impostor. You see, throughout my life I have been mistaken for being Jewish, something that has never offended me. It's something that I embrace as part of who I am. Just like Tofu is imitation meat, I am imitation Jew. I sort of look the part, but if you really think about it, it just doesn't make any sense.
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